In the documentary “Hungry for Change” one of the men interviewed made a profound statement: “Love is Safety”. When you really think about it, anyone who you truly love, you want to protect and keep safe whether it is your children, your mate, your family or pets.
And, when you have felt most loved by someone, you have felt that your safety and well-being was as important to them as it was to you.
When people feel unsafe they often turn to substances to numb out that scary feeling whether it be food, alcohol, cigarettes, drugs or even busy-work activities. We are always seeking safety for ourselves subconsciously whether we realize it or not. Notice this the next week as you go about your daily business. And we can learn ways of creating safety for ourselves by learning ways to ask for what we need and to set boundaries from unsafe people.
I am working with a coach who has spent many years learning about Non-Violent Communication, a process of honoring each individual’s unique needs and doing so in such a way that all needs are heard and important in a way that is safe to hear.
We have often had our needs shamed in childhood and felt unsafe and have had poor role models on how to ask for what we need so the majority of us have very poor communication skills for identifying and conveying what we want and need. We attack and judge and criticize rather than share what’s going on for us because we don’t feel safe expressing and showing vulnerability.
My coach says that Marshal Rosenberg, the man how started the Center for Non-Violence shares a story that if aliens were to come to earth and ask what humans were like, we could describe them as the only species who might be feeling lonely and scared and needing reassurance and walks up to someone and says to them “you IDIOT!”.
We project our hurt and fear and shame onto others rather than taking care of our own needs and naming our feelings.
One of the best ways of feeling safe is through safe touch: massage, hugs, hand-holding, and holding or petting animals. These actions lower our blood pressure and release powerful healing chemicals into our bodies that relax us and provide a sense of safety and well-being.
The Heart Math Institute shares a photograph showing that the heart has an electro-magnetic field around it that is stronger and wider than the field our brains emit and can be felt by up to 6 feet by other people and animals. Our thoughts and feelings give off certain “vibes” that are picked up by other beings and these vibes change as our feelings change and even affect our health for better or for worse.
When we pick up unsafe vibes from someone, we know this on an intuitive level, but often suppress this information due to societal conditioning. We can get back in touch with our feelings, which are our “indicators” of feedback from our environment and learn to trust ourselves to take care of ourselves with other people by either letting them know when something is not working for us in a non-aggressive way, or by detaching in love and moving away from an unsafe person until they receive healing and have better relational skills that make them better equipped to be in relationship with others.
Food does not have to be our answer for creating safety within ourselves. Focus on the breath, focus on your body, stretching, massage and TOUCH others to feel more connected.
Touch is a vital form of communication that creates safety and grounds us when we are feeling disconnected. And so is speaking our truth about what’s going on inside of us and not stuffing our feelings and pretending when we are feeling fear of the other person’s response. We can take care of ourselves if they get upset and reject us and leave or withhold love. We will recover. Because we are there for ourselves and can reconnect with other safe people who do know how to hear and accept our truth.